Caregiving can be complicated. The beginning of a journey can become more complex than many of us realize.
Family dynamics are in flux as the reality of aging becomes more and more real and stress levels can hit an all-time high.
Especially in larger families where there are multiple people involved and, by extension, more people who feel they should have a say, caregiving can become emotionally challenging.
Regardless of family size, there may be members who are estranged, stubborn, opinionated, or just difficult to deal with for any number of reasons. As they say family is family, and because of that caregivers should do their best to maintain the peace and stay on good terms. If possible, try to carve out your niche early and establish what you can do and what you can’t. Be realistic, clear and specific leaving as little as possible to interpretation or continued disagreement.
Sometimes clashes or differing points of view can’t be avoided. Being mindful of timing and fostering an environment of open communication can help create a safe space where the lengthy conversations can be had effectively. However, it may be necessary to explore professional conflict resolution tools, such as inviting a family therapist, family doctor or pastor to facilitate. Here are some other tips you might find helpful under the circumstances:
1) Determine who is in charge? Who will be the primary caregiver and take the lead on all things medical and items requiring daily management, (clearly a decent relationship with the family member they are caring for is important). Who else will help out and with what and when: finances, household maintenance, grocery shopping etc.
2) Keep communication top of mind. Be sure family members know if/when their help is wanted and/or needed. Compromise may be needed as people will have different perceptions of a situation. Sometimes old dynamics or family conflicts can resurface in caregiving. It is important to recognize what is current and what is related to past grudges and encourage everyone to focus on current problems and solutions.
3) Involve your loved one: Sometimes conflict can be borne from different opinions on medical diagnosis and treatment options but ultimately, what happens should be the choice of person you’re caring for if possible. It can be beneficial for them and you to sit down with a healthcare professional and ask clarifying questions. This understanding won’t stop difficult family members from impressing their own opinion but it will give you the necessary facts and background information to tackle their concerns.
4) When things get ‘toxic’? This is when it is important to establish boundaries and make your intolerance of disruptive behaviour and unwillingness to put up with negativity very clear. While, it can be easier said than done, here are some tips to help you set personal boundaries when dealing with negative or nasty situations:
• Avoid getting involved in family drama: When possible, remove yourself from overwhelming or unproductive situations or the discussions.
• Pick your battles: Prioritize and make sure you’re focusing on the most important things right now.
• Set realistic expectations: Caregiving demands can cause some friction but try to invite everyone back to focus and address on the task at hand.
• Say no: Don’t say yes to everything or everyone. Be clear about your limits.
• Focus on self-care: It can be demanding as a caregiver especially when adjusting to a new way of life. Take the time to rest and connect with others through support groups where shared understanding and companionship can foster hope.
• Kill ‘em with kindness: Be direct and clear about where you stand in the politest way possible.
• Keep good records: Track monies spent, expert advice, test results and medical decisions made.
Caregiving is a huge responsibility, especially if you’re navigating it alone or without someone who truly “gets it.” Again, if you find yourself feeling stuck, constantly exhausted, stressed, or anxious, it’s time to seek professional help.
Anjolina Rankin-West is an editorial assistant with an interest in family caregiving.
Image: Unsplash
A silent epidemic that is behind closed doors
The prevalence of toxic family dynamics, disputes and their potential impact on health and wellbeing can be significant unproductive and hurtful
• 9.7% of disputes involved a breakdown of family or relationship (excluding child custody).
• 34% of Canadians report experiencing at least one dispute or problem.
• 8.7% says problems were related to taking care of financial or health issues for someone else.
• 1 in 5 reported the dispute was serious and not easy the resolve the issue.
