Your car’s fuel gauge tells you’re almost running on fumes, but despite knowing better, you skip the next highway exit and press on – hoping to make it safely make it to the next gas station.
Like drivers, those of us who are caregivers can also push things to the limit and assume we can make it through each day without sputtering, running out of fuel, and stopping on the side of the road. While roadside assistance can rescue a driver and help him top up his tank, finding support for a man who is in over his head when it comes to care responsibilities can be more difficult.
The statistics show that men spend less time each week providing day-to-day care than women and generally handle more of the financial and maintenance related tasks than their wives or sisters. But that may not be the case in your situation and you may find yourself feeling isolated, and suffering from stigma as well as the physical, emotional, and mental health impact of caring for a parent, spouse, sibling or friend.
No need to “Man Up”
Research shows that men have been taught to be brave and not show weakness. They speak less about their feelings and their health and show fewer observable symptoms. So, as caregivers, men are more apt to feel embarrassed about their role, stay quiet, push on alone through difficulties and ignore their own health. Mental health symptoms for men often appear as physical issues such as digestive problems, tightening in the chest, and/or they may show anger, irritability or aggression.
As many have found out, this isn’t always the best approach for either a man who is a carer or the person they are caring for. As a caregiver, its vital to recognize your risks and get on with doing something about them without fail. Here are a few things to think about gleened from my own time as a son, caring for my aging and ailing parents under challenging circumstances:
Let off steam a few times a week: Go for a run. Pump some weights. Dive into a local pool and go for a swim. Register for a yoga class. Play some pickleball. Dust off the bike and go for a ride. With increased fitness, any one of us can not only improve their own physical but mental health too. Choosing several activities can provide variety and more enjoyment. Finding a friend to join you as an “exercise buddy” can provide motivation. No time for fitness? Try a regular early morning or evening walk around the block. Park your car further away from the office, the shopping mall doors or the grocery store to some extra steps in. Climb the stairs at the condo or office rather than taking the elevator. Any kind of increased daily movement can be greatly beneficial.
Eat well: Think about what you’re eating. During my time as a caregiver, I remember mornings when I gulped down a cup of coffee and picked up a muffin on the way to work for breakfast. Not a good choice. Skipping a nutritious “first meal of the day” means you likely won’t have the energy you need for your longish days. Consider a meal service for you and yours or cook larger meals for dinner and package up the leftovers as brown bag lunches – this can be a much better (not to mention, less costly) option than grabbing a burger and fries. And, if you feel like a snack, reach for a protein bar, an apple, or some carrot sticks instead of a bag of chips or chocolate. For a few good ideas visit:
food-guide.canada.ca
Don’t hide your responsibilities: Even if you’re not comfortable, experts suggest that it’s wise to let your workplace know that you’ve become a caregiver. This can be done through an HR department or a manager you trust. With the right conversations, you may be able to request flexible hours, compassionate care leave, time off, or a work from home scenario in difficult times.
Talk with others: Granted, men don’t always like to open up about what is troubling them but it often helps to know you are not alone. Caregivers Alberta is just one association that has recognized this and offers a “men-only” support group (https://corealberta.ca/training-events/mens-den-caregiver-support-community-3/event). Groups like this also exist elsewhere … do some digging into what might be up your ally and available close by. While I didn’t find a support group during my caregiving years, I did join a bereavement group after my parents passed away and found this to be a helpful avenue to share and learn from others. There’s also no shame in talking to a therapist about your challenges or arranging for an occupational therapist to come to the house to make some safety and organizational suggestions.
Lighten your load: There is help available if you think about what you might need and figure out where to look. For instance: In addition to diagnosing, treating and prescribing, your family doctor can refer you to provincial programs where funded help may be easy to arrange. Your local pharmacist may have some connections as well. A nearby senior’s association may offer programs and/or respite services to give you a break. There’s usually a nearby professional nursing firm can provide housekeeping, meals and care assistance if you can afford to pay for care (Check benefits plans to see what might be covered for you and also your loved one). There are also day program can support families with seniors with advancing dementia—it’s can be a ½ day of relevant activities to provide safe care and stimulation.
Look to family and friends: Even if those near and dear aren’t available to help out as frequently as you like, make a list of tasks that might reduce your burden and ask them to help out for a few hours or if they can take on a regular full or half day once a month. Suggestions include non-urgent talks, de-cluttering and organizing, help with paperwork, gardening, companionship and friendly visiting, shopping, laundry and bed changing.
Caregiving is a journey, regardless of your gender or pronoun. When the going gets tough, it doesn’t help things if you ignore your own needs. As the saying goes, “put on your own lifejacket first.”
Rick Lauber is a freelance writer. He has written two books, Caregiver’s Guide for Canadians and The Successful Caregiver’s Guide.
Photos: Esther Ann, Unsplash. CanStock.
