What “to do” to make it work
The stakes are high when a parent needs care. On one hand the circumstances can push sibling relationships to the max, expose rivalries and bring up a family history – for better or worse. On the other, it can bring adult children together with a common goal.
The need to provide care and the willingness to ‘show up and step up’ as a caregiver can. “ separate the wheat from the chaff “ as the ancient saying goes, Caregiving can bring out the best in us by demonstrating how loving, kind and patient we are, It can expose troubles some members of the family are having – financial or otherwise – and ,at times, it can demonstrate unkind, selfish, self-centred or dishonest behaviour. Simply put, when a parent needs help forces a family reality check that more often than not, exposes everyone’s true colours.
Siblings have a spent a lifetime with each other. They know who is the most likely to get things done, who is the most patient and reliable, who is their parents favourite etc. They also know who is the busiest, who couldn’t possibly help and who is going to be the most argumentative or dishonest or greedy. Or, which one of them may try to manipulate the situation.
Caregiving can either bring families closer or cause even more conflict, distance, and stress. Consider whether you’ll be the one to either step up or out of the picture and let others carry the load.
Let’s look at the top “Do’s” when siblings co-care to a parent. In our next issue we’ll look at the Don’ts.
Do assess your parents’ needs: Notice if your parent’s situation and needs are changing. This could include different behaviours, forgetfulness or losing things. Are they willing and able to keeping their home and themselves as clean they did in the past? Do you hear complaints about pain or they are reducing their social activities?
When any of these things are happen, it’s might time to start documenting the changes. Expect some push back from your siblings if they disagree with you about the need for care. Having proof to help those who are in denial will hopefully make things a little less difficult.
Do get professional medical assessments: Combing personal experiences and observations with professional advice will help clarify the situation. Let the facts prove reality. Knowing what the prognosis is allows you to research and learn what resources you’ll need and what’s out there to support current and future needs.
Do develop a care plan: Try and work together and with professionals as needed to make decisions, develop and execute a care plan that everyone (including your parents) can agree on. The plan may not be perfect and will likely change over time but it will serve as a roadmap. You may wish to attach a budget to the plan as well. A sound care plan also includes a log of health issues, tasks, meds past and present, personal and professional contact information, legal documents and how and who will fund the care.
Do tasks lists: Consider maintenance and daily to do’s. Itemize daily to-do’s, weekly and monthly tasks and the person responsible. For example, one sibling has offered to fix the handrail on the stairs within a week for $50.00 of materials, then connect to see if this was done. If the task does not happen close to the timeframe promised or near the budget, move to a new plan to make it happen.
Do develop a Plan B: A Plan B might be needed if siblings overtime cannot agree on the execution of Plan A or if Mom’s needs have changed so dramatically, so quickly that what you assumed would work is suddenly not realistic. A good Plan B assumes different caregivers, perhaps new living arrangements or how care will be funded.
Do operate as a team: Set up clear roles and responsibilities by taking advantage of your various skill sets and strengthens to make a strong, sustainable team. You each will also have different caregiving styles. This may not be bad, just different from what you would do.
Do be flexible: Life changes, for our parents, for you and for your siblings. Respecting and embracing change will allow you to deal with a new reality with greater composure and acceptance.
Do talk about living options: If possible, have the difficult conversations with your parents about their future living options before an emergency forces you to make rush decisions.
1. Consider renovations to current accommodations to improve safety.
2. Can they stay with a live in our live out helper?
3. Discuss assisted living facilities or moving in with a family member or friend. Parents may be reluctant to listen to other living options, but their health, safety and their happiness are the driving forces to encourage change.
4. Ideally your parents can part of the decision-making process.
Do talk about money and the costs of care: Funding care can be contentious subjects. Ideally the care recipient has sufficient funds to pay for their care but that’s not always the case but know that assets may need to be sold or cashed in and supports for parents without resources will need to be considered.
Do keep communication channels open: Keeping siblings in the loop about what is going on will help set expectations and plan for the future. Experts suggest regularly scheduled update calls if there are more than 2 people involved. The more you foster open, patient polite and respectful communication the more likely you will continue to work as a team, especially when caregiving becomes more intense and serious. Be willing to compromise or look at alternatives that are suggested. When communications are strained, or when people overreact with drama or decide to shut down, caregiving just becomes that much harder.
Do be mindful: In the heat of the battle, words cannot only shut down all communications but are what is remembered long after the war is over. Pick your fights and think before you respond with guilt or anger. Be civil and kind. Words of support and appreciation help to bridge tough times.
Do walk in each other’s shoes: Try imagining what your sibling’s lives are like today. Do you know their passions and struggles? What brings them joy, what worries them? This will give you greater empathy, appreciation and a clearer understanding for what is on their plate and what they are most likely able to contribute in support of your parent. By knowing and accepting them as they are, the more real your expectations of them will be.
Do express and show gratitude: Caregiving is stressful, emotional, complicated, isolating, lonely and hard work that needs to be acknowledged and appreciated. Remember to thank the primary family caregiver for their efforts and sacrifices. Give them a phone call to express how much you appreciate all the things that they are doing for your parent. Send them a gift card for a coffee shop or a massage at a spa.
Do plan for and manage manipulations and conflicts: Rarely do siblings agree on everything about a parent’s care. How you handle manipulations and conflicts will determine the future of your sibling relationships and ultimately your parent’s care. Pick your battles to win the war. Think of an argument, conflict or any manipulation as a fire. If you lower the flame, the heat can often be distinguished. Fuel the flame with manipulation, guilt, mean words and untruths, and you have the makings of a wildfire.
Do be Transparent: Take a no surprise approach which means not hiding things. You may wish to plan and timing your approach around sharing news and key information but know that honesty and transparency build trust and avoids dishonestly and law suits.
Do seek professional mediators: If conflicts and disagreements are hampering caregiving and are tearing your family apart, seek professional support. Unbiased, third-party experts such as socials workers, geriatric care managers, faith leaders or lawyers can usually help ferret through sibling dramas. Their role is to find common ground that everyone can live with.
This is money well spent to get the family back on track, back to the main goal of caring for a parent, not fighting or rehashing bad history with each other.
Do respect your parent’s wishes, values and beliefs: This is a tough topic because it requires having uncomfortable conversations about what your loved one wants. Often families only deal with these tough topics in the middle of a crisis when emotions are already heated and running wild. Once you know their wishes, values and beliefs, it can be easier to make decisions on their behalf. Remember, it is their lives, not yours. It is your job to respect and honour their wishes while trying to keep them as happy, safe and comfortable as possible.
Mary Bart is the chair of Caregiving Matters, an Internet-based charity that offers education and support to family caregivers.
Photos: iStock. Shutterstock.
