Working with difficult sibling situations
It’s often been said that working with others can make caregiving easier. But that may not always be the case with brothers and sisters who may have other perspectives, personal circumstances or a different relationship with the person receiving care.
When it comes to caregiving, making decisions and financial matters, adult children are quite often at odds when it comes to deciding which is the best course to take.
Family disagreements can range from mild disagreements or skirmishes about who will take a parent to the doctor, whose weekend it is to take over or how much to pay a homecare worker. The decisions that may be necessary when it comes to family caregiving such as when and how to sell the family home to place a parent in long-term care, can also lead to all-out wars that often create long-term hard feelings and siblings not speaking to each other for extended periods—even years.
These types of arguments are not unusual, especially when it takes away work and impacts your own family or time. Seeing your parents struggle and have to undergo lifestyle changes can be a sad, highly stressful time that can result in short fuses and tempers easily flaring.
Keeping the peace during times like this is very important and is worth the extra effort it takes to bite your tongue, stay kind and considerate and work together to find the best way forward.
As a co-caregiver for my aging parents, I collaborated with my two sisters and consider myself fortunate that we agreed on things for the most part. Trust me, this wasn’t always the case though!
To keep things friendlier between siblings, reduce the number of bumps and bruises, and ensure a better quality of life for the aging senior, try any, or all, of these following tips:
1) Communicate
Talking about caregiving issues openly, honestly, and regularly must be ranked as a high priority amongst family caregivers. These conversations may cover a wide variety of issues and concerns over time including: current and future parental health concerns, medication adjustments, living and lifestyle needs, nutrition and meal planning, appointments and even your loved ones social life.
My sisters and I kept in touch regularly, and I found doing this to be very helpful. We would check in with each other, brainstorm, and keep ourselves on the same page with our parental care.
If siblings can’t coordinate in-person meetings, scheduling Zoom calls could be a good alternative (find a time that is convenient for everybody). Remember, effective communication means both speaking and listening. During family caregiving talks:
• Allow others to speak freely.
• Paraphrase for the best understanding.
• Avoid casting judgement. If things get difficult or you expect some dissent it might be wise to invite a family friend / outsider to moderate.
2) Maintain a sense of humour
These are serious matters but if you can recognize the humanity in the situation and take a refreshing moment or two to relate a funny story or look on the lighter side, it helps.
3) Establish boundaries
Family members will hopefully all share the same goal of doing what’s best for Mom/Dad, however, depending on the past and their own situations, they might often have different beliefs, different points of view, and different strengths and weaknesses they bring to the table.
Yes, this can be the basis for blood to boil but try to stay productive.
• Instead of arguing or criticizing how others are handling the situation try to be grateful for what is being done by others to help your parents.
• Look for alternatives or options that may surface during respectful conversations where differences of varying opinions can be shared and explored.
• Do your homework before calls. Don’t exaggerate, go on here-say or he/said she said. This is the time to work with facts, realistic options and timelines.
• Be ready for each sibling to clearly define responsibilities and let each sibling make key decisions based on what they do and what they know. In these discussions, consider where siblings live, their experience, and what they are willing/able to do.
When my parents were alive, my younger sister lived 300 kilometres away from them and, obviously, could not assist with their day-to-day needs, but she provided much-needed and appreciated help and emotional support in other ways.
4) Seek support
No caregiving family is perfect and no one expects you to do it all, despite best intentions.
As a team, ask for, and accept, help from others to better manage your situation, especially as things change or go down hill. Caregiving help can take many forms:
• Homecare services can evaluate the senior’s home and install safety equipment.
• A professional caregiver can be hired to visit with Mom/Dad.
• Local senior’s driving services can provide transportation to and from outings or appointments.
• Pet care can be shared. Dogs can be walked and cared for by a local student or neighbour or even a grandchild.
• Friendly visits or calls from volunteers may provide companionship and comfort for an aging senior.
5) Clutter clean-up doesn’t have to be onerous
A non-profit agency can accept donated furniture/clothing that a senior no longer needs.
There are services that can be hired to assist with downsizing and moving older adults so you don’t have to do everything yourselves.
6) Consider equipment
Mobility devices and safety equipment can make all the difference. My sisters and I bought a mobility scooter for our mother so she could still retain some independence and enjoy outings.
7) Take a break
Don’t jam too much into one session. Prioritize. If family caregiving discussions become too heated, remember that it can be beneficial to step away.
By taking a break, family caregivers can often return to these talks later with fresh perspectives.
8) Caregiver support groups
Especially for those involved in the bulk of the care or for those family members who are struggling with difficult decisions, joining a caregiver’s support group, speaking with a family support worker, or pursuing family therapy can be helpful options to reduce stress, conflict and best of all, assist with expedient decision making.
9) Remember your parent’s feelings
Times like this are often hard for mothers and fathers who see their children fighting.
10) Show gratitude
Not everyone can help at the same level but regardless of each sibling’s role, it’s important to be appreciative, cordial and thankful for what each of you can do.
Rick Lauber is a freelance writer. He has written two books, Caregiver’s Guide for Canadians and The Successful Caregiver’s Guide.
Image: CanStock. Dissolve.
